


why didn't you tell me?

by nightospherer



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: 2jin - Freeform, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, F/F, Hanahaki Disease, Hyunjin is clueless, Sad, Unrequited Love, hyewon - freeform, i will start this by saying i'm sorry, just really sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2021-01-02 09:27:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21159392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nightospherer/pseuds/nightospherer
Summary: you take over my thoughtsi’m kind of worriedit becomes more unbearablei’m going to explodewhat’s happening to me?





	why didn't you tell me?

This was definitely not how Hyunjin had expected her first year of college go. Not at all. It was getting harder and harder to hide. Her storm outs of the classroom were starting to get more frequent and her teachers weren’t pleased. Not to mention the fact that _ she _was starting to get suspicious. Her excuses were acceptable at the beginning but they were getting sloppy because honestly, she was running out of ideas. That morning alone Hyunjin had left twice to rush to the farthest bathroom so she could cough without being heard and she could feel how her lungs were starting to fill up again so she would have to go again soon. 

The tall girl entered a bathroom stall and didn’t even lock it, she just turned to the toilet as she started coughing what it felt like her lungs out. She covered her mouth with her hands in a poor attempt to make less noise and to gather the petals to make sure none were floating away so she could throw them in the toilet and flush them. She was shocked to look at her hands when she moved them away from her face. There was blood. She felt her face heat up and her eyes were burning. She blinked the tears away, flushed the now blood-stained petals and moved out of the stall to wash her hands and her face. 

She decided to text Chaewon and ask her to gather her things after the class for her, she couldn’t stay there anymore. Chae was the only one who knew so it had been fairly easier with her help. Well, not exactly easier because she kept asking who it was but Hyunjin couldn’t tell her because she would probably tell Heejin and Heejin would certainly force herself into falling in love and that wasn’t the life Hyunjin wanted for the girl that was making her cough up pinkish false shamrock petals. Heejin deserved to fall in love the right way, she deserved to be happy. And if that meant Hyunjin would have to cough blood-stained petals while having her lungs filled up with flowers until there was nothing else anyone could do, then so that would be it. 

That was a lie. She could do something about it. There was an option. But what life would that be if she wouldn’t feel her heart warm up whenever Heejin smiled, held her hand or gave her a hug? What life would that be if she wouldn’t go to sleep smiling thinking about how sweet and adorable Heejin was? If she wouldn’t wake up eager to get to college so she could seat beside Heejin in class and watch how she frowned when she was paying attention to class and how she would bite her lip while writing down her notes? If she wouldn’t feel her heart skipping whenever she heard Heejin sing and get all shy when Hyunjin complimented her talents? Was life even worth living if she wouldn’t be in love with Heejin? 

*** 

A few weeks went by and obviously Hyunjin wasn’t getting any better. The blood was now everywhere when she coughed and the pinkish color of the petals were getting harder to see since they were all stained in red. It was less messy when she was awake, because she could almost control where the petals would go when she coughed. She usually stuck her face inside her bedroom trash bin that once was merely used for paper balls but now was a petal and blood mess. The real problem was she was asleep. She would wake up coughing at night with petals floating everywhere and blood dripping from her mouth onto her clothes and sheets. The pain in her chest was now constant and it was not only emotional pain anymore, it was physical and sometimes it was nearly unbearable. She could feel her lungs being fulfilled by branches and sometimes she would feel strong stings on her chest and she knew the branches were starting to pierce her insides. 

That week she missed classes every day but compensated by studying at home, she was lucky she wasn’t the type that missed classes for no reason, so she could miss classes now without failing the semester. Chaewon and Hyejoo (who now knew about it too since Chae couldn’t lie to her girlfriend for too long) would take turns going to Hyunjin’s house, helping her with the subjects and taking her papers to deliver to the teachers. She wasn’t really sure why she was bothering to do all this. The studying and the caring about not failing the semester. She knew nothing would matter in a while but who knows? Maybe she needed the feeling of normalcy. 

Thankfully they only had two more weeks to go before the summer and she would be able to not be a complete mess in front of people, and instead, be a complete mess in her own bedroom. Home wasn’t easy anymore. Her parents had found out and her mother would cry 24/7 and beg her to sign the papers to take the surgery that would save her life but would also kill her very willingness to live: her love for Heejin. She even saw her father cry one night. She hugged him tight and cried with him for almost three hours. He kissed her forehead afterwards and told her he loved her too much to ** not ** respect her wishes and expected her to understand that her mother loved her too much to do so. 

On the weekend, Heejin told her she was coming to see her. Hyunjin tried to ask her not to but there was no way she could deny Heejin anything, so she braced herself and prepared her spirits for what would be a very tough afternoon. It was harder to keep the petals in when she was around so it would take everything in her to hide what was happening from from the other girl. But it was only for one afternoon, she could control herself for one afternoon. She couldn’t have been more wrong. Heejin had been there for barely half an hour. They were sitting on opposite sides of Hyunjin’s bed because Hyunjin had told her she had the flu. Hah! The flu... 

“I missed you in class this week”. 

That was it. She tried to rush to the bathroom, she really did. But her lungs exploded barely after she got up. She coughed so hard and the pain... It hadn’t been this awful yet. She kneeled down as she continuously coughed and saw some red stained petals fly around the room but most were so soaked in blood that they would go right to the floor. 

Heejin was in shock. She couldn’t even move at first because it all happened so fast, but then Hyunjin’s mother came running into the bedroom to help her and that snapped Heejin out of her thoughts, so she got up, kneeled behind Hyunjin and hesitantly put a hand on her back. 

“Mom, I’m ok. It’s ok.” Hyunjin said with a low voice but pleading with her eyes to her mother leave the bedroom. 

“Alright, I’ll be downstairs if you need me.” She said with a shaky voice and left. 

There were a couple minutes of silence while Hyunjin cleaned up the floor with the cloth that was always there in a bucket for these moments. Heejin was still sitting behind her but now with both her hands on her legs. She didn’t know where to begin asking. There were so many questions. But there was one that was really hurting. They hadn’t been friends for even a year but they were close or at least that was what Heejin had thought. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” 

Hyunjin stopped moving and exhaled loudly. How could she tell her? She couldn’t tell because it was _ her _. 

“I didn’t really tell anyone... Well, it was impossible hiding from parents because...” and she pointed at basically everywhere “...look at this mess.” 

“Chaewon and Hyejoo? They came here every day.” Heejin was starting to connect the dots. She remembered all the times that Chaewon left with Hyunjin or took her stuff home because Hyunjin would vanish from class. 

“Yeah, Chae found out when I did. We were doing a paper together and she slept over. We woke up surrounded by them.” 

_ Them. _She couldn’t even bring herself to say the word for fear of starting another episode. 

“She told Hyejoo a while ago. She can’t really lie to her, so I was actually surprised she was able to hide it for almost a month.” 

Hyunjin sounded sad but also almost embarrassed. She answered the questions without looking up once because she was obviously too afraid that her eyes would give her away. Heejin had gotten up and was now sitting on the edge of the bed again. She was hurt that she was kept in the dark for so long but her concern for her friend was bigger than that. 

“Have you... told them?” She knew she was probably overstepping but she didn’t really care. 

“I don’t really need to. These are the kind of things that we know, right?” Hyunjin finally looked up and managed a saddened smile. 

“Hyun...” Heejin’s eyes were starting to burn so she blinked a few times and tried to keep it together. This was not about her. 

“I know what you’re going to say. I can’t do it. I literally rather die.” Hyunjin said in a slightly angry tone as she got up, but she realized her legs were trembling, so she sat at the chair by her desk. 

This afternoon was not supposed to go this way. Heejin got so close to finding out, she was still close to finding out. Hyunjin wished she could tell her. No, she wished she didn’t have to tell her. Wished that she knew it was her because she felt the same. That all those days they spent studying or hanging out together during their first college semester were the beginning of their love story and that the flowers in her lungs would disappear and the pain would go away. 

The room was silent for a couple of minutes. Hyunjin just sat there staring at the floor and Heejin looked at her for a while but then followed her gaze to the petals that were staining the white tiles. There were so many small petals everywhere. She looked at them trying to identify what flower it was but she wasn’t really a flower connoisseur. 

“Are these your favorite? What are they?” Heejin broke the silence by asking about the flowers and made the other girl finally look at her. 

“I didn’t even know they existed until they started coming out of me. They’re false shamrocks.” 

Heejin knew these flowers. She barely remembered because she hadn’t seen them in ages but just by hearing their name, she was reminded of when she was a child and used to go to her grandparents' house that were surrounded by them. She would play in the yard around them every day so their smell reminded her of good times. Those in the bedroom didn‘t really smell like anything, probably because of the blood that came with them. She had had good memories with these flowers, but now not so much. 

*** 

The summer came and Hyunjin felt like she could finally breathe, even though she really couldn’t. At least now she could be left alone and could go days in her bedroom without being disturbed. It was the second week of being home and she was home alone for a couple of hours for the first time in forever. Her parents wouldn’t let her and were taking many days off from work but that day her mother had an emergency at work so she left begging her daughter to call if anything happened. 

Hyunjin was lying down on her bed when she felt her lungs exploding again as she started coughing tons of petals that now where completely red. They were everywhere, floating around her bedroom and slowly descending. Hyunjin was already on the floor and coughed for nearly twenty minutes. She had tears rolling down her face not only because of the pain but also the whole situation she was in. 

She wanted things to go back to how they were. Her first semester of college had been amazing. She was finally studying music with Chaewon as they dreamed of since they were 10. They met Hyejoo and she had some classes with them and when she didn’t, they would have lunch together. Then Heejin started hanging out with them and it was so easy falling for her. She had the most adorable laugh, she was so soft and funny, she was kind, generous and selfless. 

Hyunjin started sobbing when the cough stopped. She was angry. This wasn’t fair. She was happy and then these feelings had to take everything from her. Her second semester had been truly hell and now her life was ending. She couldn’t have Heejin. She couldn’t beg her to love her. She was tired of it all and she honestly couldn’t take it anymore. 

She picked up her phone and called her mother. 

“_ Hyunjin _ _ ? Is everything ok? I’m on my way.” _

“Schedule the surgery.” The words burned her mouth as she said them. She didn’t say anything else and neither did her mother. She hung up and started cleaning her bedroom. 

After the surgery she had to stay at the hospital nearly all her summer. She went home exactly one week before the classes started. The next day Chae and Hyejoo were back from spending the summer at Hyejoo’s city, so they went to visit her with Heejin tagging along. Chaewon had texted and called Hyunjin all summer and she was glad her friend was alive and well, no matter the cost. 

Hyunjin felt almost... good. Things were normal again. When they all arrived at her house, she hugged them as they would come inside and she didn’t feel a thing when hugging Heejin. She spent the afternoon with her friends and being around Heejin was now so easy without all those feelings. Initially she was scared that it would all comeback to her when she saw the other girl but it was like the feelings had never been there, like they were a distant memory. Everything was fine. She was fine. 

*** 

College was great. It had been a month since the classes started and Hyunjin was focusing more than ever on her studies and practicing for the basketball season that would start soon. She felt light-hearted. She wasn’t really happy. Or maybe that’s what happiness was. Being okay. She had her friends; her grades were good and she could play sports again. 

That week Heejin had missed classes three days already. Hyunjin had texted her to see if she needed anything, but she said she was fine and dismissed her by saying she just needed a break from classes and Hyejoo was going to help her with her work. That was odd coming from her but Hyunjin didn’t question. 

A couple weeks went by and Heejin still hadn’t shown up. She wasn’t answering texts either but Hyejoo was going to see her sometimes. Every day that passed Hyunjin would get more worried for her friend. She had started missing classes the semester before for a horrible reason but Heejin couldn’t possibly be going through the same thing. That would be absurd, to say the least. She shook that ideia off of her. Her friend was fine, she was just taking a break. 

Once again, Hyunjin was wrong. A week later, Hyejoo told her and Chaewon that Heejin was in the hospital and that they should go visit her after class. It was serious. Hyunjin could sense it in Hyejoo’s voice. Her mind went full speed with a thousand questions. Hyejoo wouldn’t say anything else. 

They got to the hospital and waited a few minutes at the waiting room until the nurse came to get them and take them to Heejin’s bedroom. She said that the girl was alone now because her parents took a coffee break after spending the whole night and day beside their daughter. She showed them the door and told them to go in whenever they were ready and went back to the front. 

Hyunjin grabbed the doorknob. Her friends were hesitant, and so was her, but the eagerness to see what was happening to her friend was stronger than that. When she was just starting to open the door, she heard something that made her heart shatter. Heejin was coughing. 

They entered the room that now had tons of red stained yellow petals floating down while their friend was coughing harshly at a bucket. Hyejoo let go of her girlfriend’s hand and moved towards Heejin, to sit beside her and wait until the storm passed. Chaewon closed the door behind them and moved closer to the bed, she was blinking a lot because her eyes were already starting to get teary. 

Hyunjin didn’t move. She couldn’t move. Her mind was blowing up. Heejin was going through the same thing she did. But was it recent? How could she be this bad already? The petals were stained with really dark blood marks and it took Hyunjin months to get to this. Was she already sick through the summer? She wanted to ask. She wanted to know. 

Heejin had stopped coughing and Hyejoo helped clean her mouth and take most of the petals from her sheets. Heejin finally looked at her. They stared at each other for what it felt like an hour but it couldn’t have been more than a minute and Hyunjin didn’t have to ask any questions and Heejin didn’t have to say anything. She understood. It was _ her _. She caused this. 

“Hyejoo, Chae, can you two go try to get me one of those chocolate puddings?” Heejin asked with a weak voice. 

They both looked at their friends that were still staring intensely at each other. “Sure, no problem. Let’s go, babe”. Hyejoo said but Chae was ahead of her and was already by the door. 

“We’ll be back soon”. Chaewon said before closing the door behind her. 

They kept staring for a while more until Hyunjin broke their gaze and looked at the floor. She felt the tears coming and she wanted to keep them in. 

“I’m sorry.” She heard Heejin speak with the shyest voice. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Hyunjin said as tears started rolling down her face. All she had gone through had been for nothing and now Heejin was in the same situation she was a couple of months back and it was her fault. That was too much. 

“Why didn’t ** you **tell me?” Heejin asked back. 

The tears stopped. Hyunjin looked up to read her friend’s expression. What did she mean by that? 

“Wait... You knew it was you?” Hyunjin asked skeptical. 

“Not until it wasn’t anymore. When we went to see you after you got home. Being around you was different. You didn’t look at me the same way, didn’t hug me the same way. That’s when I knew I had lost you. That’s when my mess started...” Heejin’s voice was low and weak. She was trying so hard not to break down. Trying so hard to keep the petals in. 

Hyunjin stood there without saying anything for a while. If she had had more courage, things would have been so different. She could’ve loved Heejin and kept on loving Heejin but she had been too much of a coward and now she was suffering so much because of her, because she wouldn’t take a chance. 

“I can love you again.” She finally spoke up. 

Those words punched a hole through Heejin’s heart. If she wasn’t crying before, she was definitely crying now. “We both know you can’t.” She said slowly trying not to start sobbing. 

“But I could. I will. Heejin... please, let me help.” She finally moved from where she was standing since she had gotten there and sat at the hospital bed beside the other girl. 

“Stop.” Heejin was sobbing so much now she could barely breathe between that and her lungs being filled up. “Please... stop. You know it doesn’t work like that.” 

“Then there’s only one option left.” Hyunjin took Heejin’s hands into hers. “Please, take the surgery.” 

Heejin didn’t answer for a really long time. It must’ve been something around fifteen minutes. She was just crying. Then she was coughing a bit but she was at a stage that the coughing wouldn’t last long anymore. It just a couple really painful coughs every now and then, but the breaks in between them were shorter. 

“Do you remember your flower? False shamrocks?” She said after her crying slowed down and her breathing was as normal as it could be. 

“Yes, of course I remember. Why?” Hyunjin’s voice was now tender and soft and she tightened her hand around the other girl’s. 

“Do you know what they mean?” Heejin lift her head up and looked at the girl that she was so deeply in love with. Hyunjin didn’t say anything, just shook her head no. 

“They mean ‘I will be with you. I will not forsake you’.” 

*** 

A whole year had passed and there were still many rough days. Not as many as the beginning but still. Chaewon had Hyejoo to help her through it and that was good. Hyunjin was glad for her, because Chae was by far the one of the group that felt everything with much more intensity. Hyejoo also needed help coping specially because she was the one closest to Heejin at the end, so they helped each other though it and that made them closer than ever. 

Their group had actually grown a bit and having new friends really helped. Haseul had really intense mom feelings so the slightest demonstration of sadness coming from Hyunjin and she would fly across campus to be there for her friend. Jungeun was very different from her but helped in her own way. She was funny and a bit of a disaster, but she always knew how to lighten up the mood. 

Things were getting better. They would get better. But not that day specifically. That day marked exactly one year since Heejin was gone and honestly, Hyunjin wanted to feel everything she had to feel. She decided to visit her after class. She hadn’t done that in many months now. At the beginning she would go for missing her friend and having nowhere to put all that sadness and emptiness. Then she would go out of guilt. She still missed her but that place wasn’t her so it started making less and less sense to go back there. 

Now, though, she just wanted to go and so she did. She just stood there for a long time looking at that piece of rock with her friend’s name carved on it. She couldn’t bring herself to say anything. It was all too overwhelming. She felt warm tears on her cheeks. Everything that happened felt like so long ago but also felt like it had just happened. Like if she could just reach a little, she could still change how everything had ended up. 

She sat down, opened her backpack and took a notebook and a pen. If she couldn’t say what she wanted to say, she would write it. She stared at the paper. There was so much she wanted to say but nothing would make any difference. She just wrote something at the end of the paper and ripped it out. She gathered her stuff, stood up again and placed the paper next to the recipient that was originally made for flowers but, well... 

Hyunjin left after standing for a few more minutes reading again and again the small piece of paper that she had left there, those words were so very important and she was sure she would carry them with her through life: 

_ I will be with you. _

**Author's Note:**

> so that happened...  
you can tell me how much you hate me here: https://curiouscat.me/princeyubinie


End file.
